5. In the beginning – In Jeff’s own words

So … in the beginning there was only God. Horseshit. In the beginning there wasn’t even me. You’ve heard of the Big Bang? Gases, explosions, and then one big explosion. My ears were still ringing from that explosion when I suddenly realized I had ears … and eyes, and a nose, and consciousness. Holy shit, I was alive! Not so much grey hair, a little less universe-weariness, but basically the same guy you see sitting before you.

I had no real responsibilities, so I just roamed around the universe, having a little fun, smoking a little weed. Life was cool … but lonely. I decided to create a posse. Who doesn’t want some friends to hang with?

As we’ve already said, I wasn’t worried about creating anyone in my image. I decided that I wanted some contrast, someone who looked cool. I mean, how egotistical would I be if I created my first friends to look just like me. Creating human beings is Art, and just a little science of course. It would definitely be easier to make everybody the same, but where’s the creativity?

So, I made Adam and Eve. Life was pretty good. I made this nice little planet for them to live on, and a perfect garden that satisfied all their needs. I was proud of that garden. Now I was still pretty new at all this, so that perfect garden still took a lot of work. Maybe I was spending more time on gardening, when I should have been hanging out with my friends, but they seemed happy enough.

When I did take time off, we would hang out, smoke a little weed, sing dirty songs, it was all cool.

Now this is usually where you’ll hear the part about Lucifer coming to them as a snake to tempt them. That’s bullshit: I hadn’t even created Lucy yet! Do you really think humans need external influences to submit to temptation?

No-bob. You’re all quite good at that on your own. Also, don’t believe for a second that Eve was the one who convinced Adam. It was a severe case of mob-think – just a smaller mob.

I had told them, “Please don’t touch the apple tree. It’s not so healthy yet, and I’m trying to nurse it to health.”

So what did they decide? “Fuck him! I want an apple. How much damage can it possibly do?”

The climbing and bashing around they did totally fucked with the tree. I had to practically start over with it. You think it’s easy to create a new species of tree? It’s a lot of work! Just ask the nice people at Monsanto.

I’ve gotta admit, I kind of lost my shit with them. Told them to go cover their nakedness, and get the hell out of my sight. I didn’t mean to leave the garden forever. I mean, would you worship a god who did that kind of thing? (Oh, that’s right. You don’t!)

A few days later, I asked them to come back to Eden, but they wouldn’t. The very first passive-aggressives in the universe!