29. The Abraham incident

The door on the thirteenth floor said, “Lord H.A. Mercy”. As usual, the Almighty was too excited to let me open the door myself. I didn’t wait for him to ask, “Lord Ha’ Mercy? Your attempts are getting lamer, Jeff.”

I should have been nicer. That seemed to hurt his feelings. “Do you think it’s easy to come up with this stuff? Maybe the readers of your blog would have some suggestions? I see that there is a comment section, where they could enter suggestions.”

“Come on, Jeff. I’m not asking my readers to give me suggestions of goofy jokes for you to post on your door.”


Should I worry when the Lord thinks I’m a shithead? It was time to get this conversation rolling. “Last time we spoke, you mentioned ‘The Abraham Incident’. Would you tell me about that?”

“Sure. This is back when I used to hang out with people more. Nowadays, I mostly wander around anonymously, but back then I was all like ‘Hey, I’m God’ because I liked the way folks treated me.”

“So I used to hang out with Abraham all the time. He was mostly cool: An old dude, but pretty spry. He was about 100 years old when he FINALLY impregnated his wife. It wasn’t for a lack of trying – they were like frigging goats – it was just one of those things. But after 80 years of trying they finally made it happen.

“And praise fucking Jesus it did. I was tired of all the prayers.”

I set down my notebook. “Couldn’t you have helped them out a little? Surely it wouldn’t have been so difficult.”

The Captain gave me an irritated glare over his glasses. “Not difficult at all; I was a busy dude.”

“Hmm. Continue.”

“Well, Abe was so happy to finally have a son. It was all he would talk about. ‘Thankyouthankyouthankyousomuch, Lord. How can I ever thank you enough?’ Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore.”

“So the guy was thankful, and you had a problem with that?”

The Lord’s face scrunched up. “It was more than that. I’d become his hero. He had like a man-crush on me, so I did something kind of bad: I told him that he could thank me by making a sacrifice. I asked him to sacrifice his son.”

“Yeah. I read that in my Elvis bible. That’s a real dick move, dude.”

“I know! Imagine my surprise when he actually decided to go through with it! I thought that would be the one thing to make him say ‘Fuuuuuck you!’ I had to rush up to the altar and give him a goat to sacrifice. I saved that kid’s life!”

“That was a pretty intense man-crush.”

“I know! That was what made me decide to stop associating with people. I had made them to keep me company, and now I had to stay anonymous around them. Can you imagine how shitty that was?”

“Pretty shitty.”

“Yep. It was.”