The name on the door was “D. Almighty”. I tried to think of something positive I could say about this newest joke; I didn’t want to dash his hopes of being funny.
The Lord of All swung the door wide as I approached. “How was that?”
“Fucking lame, dude.” Oops! that didn’t come across as supportive as I had hoped. “But keep trying.” There.
“Ne pas de problem. So I wanted to ask you about Solomon.”
Elohim rolled his eyes. “Please don’t ask me about the ‘Cutting the baby in half’ story. Yes, it was clever, and no, he wasn’t REALLY going to cut the baby.”
I scratched out a couple lines from my notebook. “Give me a little credit for not asking the obvious, will you? Is it true the dude had 700 wives, and 300 concubines?”
“I can’t remember the exact numbers, but that does sound about right.”
“Damn! Way to go, Solomon. Is it true that you awarded him with wisdom when he became king?”
“Yep, that’s true. He was worried about becoming such a young king, and not having the knowledge and experience for the job. So he said a prayer, asking for help. I listened to most prayers personally back then, so I asked what he would like to make him a better king.”
“And he asked for wisdom?”
“He did. Shocked the shit out of me. I mean Solly wasn’t very old at that point. You’d have thought he would have asked for 700 wives at that point, but he was always a responsible kid. He really wanted to do a good job. So I told him since he didn’t ask for anything selfish, I would also make him very rich. I filled his castle with gold; he was the richest man around.”
I thought about that a second. “Um … where did all this gold come from?”
“Seriously, Paul? I’m a frigging god. It didn’t COME from anywhere. I made it appear.
I paused again. “Um … I had to take an Economics class in university. Wouldn’t that totally devalue the currency? With so much gold suddenly out there, didn’t local prices go a little crazy?”
Monsieur Om thought about that and his eyes got large. “Well fuck me gently. They did! The very first problem Solly had to deal with as king was some of the worst inflation Israel had ever seen. You don’t think that extra gold had anything to do with it, do you?”
I tried to be diplomatic. “Maybe it was a coincidence. Just don’t ever do that again, okay?”