45. Goodness

The name on the door was H. Evan Lee. The Almighty opened the door before I could. “Eh? Eh?”

“Not your worst effort.”

He seemed happy with that. I guess The Supreme Being didn’t have high expectations for himself.

“You’re looking much better today, Paul. You must be a quick healer too.”

I was a little suspicious, but decided to just be grateful. “Thanks for coming to the rescue the other day. I appreciate it.”

The Almighty smiled. “You may not be seeing any representatives from the Catholic Church for a while.”

“I don’t want to know. Want to discuss goodness?”

“Goodness? Sounds like a hokey topic. Didn’t we cover that off with The Ten Commandments?”

“Mostly. This is more of an aggregation of the topic.”

“Okay, but promise you’ll stop using words like ‘aggregation’.”

“Promise. Here goes: Which religion would you consider is the ‘goodest’?”

God gave me a sideways look. “Just because I don’t want you using big ridiculous words like ‘aggregation’ doesn’t mean you can say ‘goodest’.”

I bowed. “Sorry, Lord.”

Another look. “To answer your question, Atheism.”

“Atheism isn’t a religion.”

“What? What do you mean it isn’t a religion?”

“Atheism isn’t a faith-based belief system. As a matter of fact, it is the absence of a faith-based belief system.”

“Shit, dude, same thing. It’s someone’s belief about a god.”

“Calling Atheism a religion is like saying the hole in swiss cheese IS the cheese: It’s really a place where there is no cheese. The absence of cheese is not the cheese.”

“But without the cheese, there can be no hole.”

For the Creator of the Universe, he sure could be a dumb bugger. “Without something, there can’t be the absence of it? Flawed thinking, dude. There are no unicorns, but there can still be an absence of unicorns.”

The Heavenly Father thought for a moment before giving his reply. “Fuck you.”

Couldn’t argue with that. “This is interesting: You say that atheists are the goodest people. Why do you say that?”

“Too easy. Y’all aren’t trying to get into heaven; if you’re good people it’s just because you want to be. And I’ve never heard of a group of atheists killing people who don’t believe in the same shit as them. Sounds like good people to me.”

Although I always feel goofy doing high fives, I felt a need to this time. “Amen, sister.”