46. Badness

“All right, so if atheists are generally the goodest people, then who are the baddest?”

The Lord of Light thought for a moment. “Well, I don’t want to paint with too broad of a brush, but I would have to say conservatives are.”

“Once again, not a religion.”

“Aren’t we done with that? You may have originally asked the question about religion, but I’m answering in the best way I can. Every religion has good people, and every religion has extreme, bad people.”

“So you’re not going to condemn one church over another?”

“Nope. It’s much more accurate to condemn people based on political views. That’s often what decides if they are discriminatory, empathetic, or whatever.”

I put on my best confused Dr. Schadenfreude face. “What’s so wrong with conservatives? They are usually the most vocal about their devotion to you.”

“But they are SUCH ASSHOLES!” He was emphatic. “They swear their devotion, they say shit like ‘What would Jesus do?’, but then they do whatever they want to promote their own self-interest. Seriously: Assholes!”

“You don’t think it’s important for them to keep spreading your word?”

“Fuck! I would love it if they were to spread my intent, but they keep bastardizing my word. It’s bad enough that they only look after themselves, but do you want to know the most evil thing they do? They spread that same message in disguise as hope.

“The conservative, well-off, Christian, white males have somehow convinced the poor white males that they should believe the same. They’ve convinced the white working class that they too could ‘pull themselves up by their own bootstraps’ and become part of the ruling class.

“And after YOU have become part of the ruling class, YOU don’t want to be taxed too much; you don’t want to have to pay your workers a reasonable wage; you don’t want to have to help pay for a universal health care that everyone deserves. YOU want to keep all that ‘hard-earned’ cash. These assholes have turned ‘socialism’ into a dirty word. They’ve made it seem weak to care about your fellow humans.”

I had my pen poised, waiting for more. God seemed to have burned himself out with that rant.

“So you don’t think socialism is the godless terror that the right wing nut-jobs make it out to be?”

The Almighty almost spat across the room. “Those fucking idiots! They have no idea how much they enjoy socialism. Their government provides them with unemployment insurance, old-age pension, subsidized health care, subsidized universities! What makes your country great is that it tries not to let its citizens starve in the gutter.

“All these fuckwit conservatives just want to make sure they continue to have the biggest piece of the pie. Evil bastards, every one.”

“Don’t hold back, Jeff. What else would you like to say about them?”

“Um … um … ” He was obviously running out of steam. “They’re arseholes.”

“Amen, sister!”