54. Varying degrees of WTF

The name on the door: “Your fucking Lord, that’s who!”

I opened the door. My fucking Lord was lying on the couch with his arm over his face. “Um … a little under the weather, Jeff?”

He moaned. “The tequila was just so good. Remind me to smite Bacchus’ ass once the room stops spinning.”

“Want to know a trick?”


I gently took God’s leg, and set his foot flat on the floor. He slowly removed his arm from his face. “The spins. They’re gone! That’s amazing! How does it work?”

“What am i? A frigging doctor? It just works.”

Jehovah gave a tentative smile. “‘It just works’ is quite a sweeping statement for an atheist.”

“Not at all, Ass-wagon. As an atheist, I am quite comfortable with there being answers I don’t know. There are definitely answers, but I just don’t need to know all of them. And I will NEVER make up some horseshit fairy tales in lieu of answers.”

The Lord of Light looked like he was concentrating really hard. He tapped his forehead three times with his index finger. “There.” And he sat up. “I’ll never spend another ten-day period drinking tequila. I swear to you, NEVER AGAIN.”

This was more than I could handle. “A ten-day drinking binge? What the actual fuck? How can you handle that? Who’s in charge while this happens?”

“Dude, I’m the Supreme Being.” He paused. “What the ACTUAL fuck: I’ve never heard that expression before. What does ‘actual’ add to the equation?”

“The ‘actual’ fuck makes it more severe. It’s like I’m REALLY surprised instead of just surprised.”

The Supreme Being had produced a notepad (not unlike my own) and was scratching down notes. “And what if you were really REALLY surprised?”

“I might say, ‘What the blue fuck?’”

Scratch scratch. “And really really REALLY surprised?”

I had no idea. Maybe I’d never been that surprised? Might as well make something up. “That would be ‘What the anal cowboy fuck?’”

Scratch scratch. “And after that?”

“Then it starts to get a little ridiculous. We’ll start you off with that.”

Scratch scratch. The notepad slammed shut. “Thanks. It’s important for me to know these things.”

I was starting to feel bad about misleading The Creator, but was also amused at the thought of him trotting these expressions out at his next Weather Department meeting. Amusement won out.