59. Seriously, a whale – continued

“So what DID happen to Jonah after he was thrown overboard?”

The Lord muttered something into his hand.

“Sorry, Jeff, I couldn’t quite make that out.”

“Shit. He died, okay? What did you think would happen?”

“Wait a minute. You just said that he became a hell of a prophet!”

“Yeah, just fucking with you. The sorry bastard died.”

I flipped the bird to the Almighty. “So because you felt so badly about what happened to Jonah, you decided to spare Nineveh?”

“Yeah … about that … ”

“You destroyed it anyhow, didn’t you.”

God looked sheepish. “Well it’s like this: If I had wanted to call it off, I would have had to fill out a form and make sure it got to the Department of Wrath and Jelly Doughnuts.”

I started to ask, then thought about it. “Downsizing?”

“Yea, Bob. I intended to get the forms handed in. I really did. But you know how these things go.”

“I’m quickly learning. So the belly of a whale thing: Total horseshit.”

“Yep. I mean seriously. Whales may be really big, but they can’t swallow a man whole! Their throat is so small that they would probably choke and die on just his arm. Well, that’s what it says on Wikipedia. I’ve been meaning to check that with the Department of Marine Life and Mother Insults.”