77. Sex

The name on the door was some sad, sorry pun. Honestly, I hardly even notice these things anymore.

The Almighty swung the door wide as I reached for the knob. “Hey, I loved your show the other night! Did you see me there?”

I walked in and took my usual couch. “Yes, and I heard your high-pitched whistles between songs. Thanks for coming.”

He beamed as he sat back on his couch. “I spent all day on YouTube learning how to whistle with two fingers in my mouth. I’m glad I did, because nobody else was doing it. Everyone always LOVES the guy who does the earsplitting whistles. Wouldn’t be a concert without him!”

Time to change the subject. “So, Jeff, I was wanting to talk to you about sex.”

His smile got bigger. “At last! I thought you’d never ask! Where should we do this?”

“Um … What?”

The Lord’s smile faltered. “I mean where should we talk about sex, of course. Shall we just sit here in our usual spots?”

I pretended not to notice that he was blushing. “Okay now, every religion has all these fucked up views about sex, all religious books have piles of sex in them, it’s all over the place. For something that is supposedly immoral, holy people certainly spend a lot of time talking about it. So what’s your view on sex?”

“‘Tis good.”

I waited for more. More did not seem to be forthcoming. “Would you like to expand on that?”

“Oh! Of course!” He started counting off on his fingers. “With kids: Bad. With animals: Bad. Between consenting adults: Good. It really doesn’t need to be more complicated than that; it’s all about consent. Seriously, what are all these people on about?”

I had to admit, that did seem to cover it all off. “Is that everything?”

He thought for a moment, and then sat up straight. “Almost! One more thing: NO CHEATING! That’s just the shittiest thing you can do.”

I flipped back through my notebook. “Ah yes, The Mary Incident. We discussed that with the Ten Commandments, didn’t we? So all those Catholics who forbid birth control because sex is only for the purpose of procreation?”

“Pah! Fucking hypocrites. Ever seen a Catholic family with only two kids? Of course you have! Does that mean that they have only had sex twice? It’s nice, and it brings people together, so why would I want to limit it?”

“Now there’s a thought: You designed us, so why did you combine sex and procreation? They could have been two entirely separate activities, but you chose to make them one.”

The Creator thought for a moment. “Well that was a while back, but I guess the only thing I can think of is that I spent the entire Pre-Creation not getting laid. I didn’t realize it might become a recreation activity. If I could do it over, I guess I would have made procreation a little more legalistic. Maybe with some papers to be signed, maybe even done by committee. You know, like not allow you to have a child without a few references. Just spitballing a few ideas here. It really is too late to change this shit now, of course.”