79. Women

“One more thing I was wanting to ask you about, Jeff.”

The Supreme Being spread his arms wide. “I am an open book.” He pointed at my glittery Elvis bible. “Just not that one.”

“Okay. What do you think about women?”

He leaned back on his couch with his hands behind his head. “I loves the ladies.”

Once. Just once, could we start out with an answer that is NOT ridiculous? “What I meant: Even though they are apparently not created in your image, are they qualified to interpret and spread your word?”

He looked at me like I was an idiot. “Well of course they are. Many design changes from Human 1.0, but they’re still the same fucking species. What is it about women that would possibly make one think they’re any less capable than men? The brain isn’t in the penis, you know? You did know that, right?”

“What am I? A frigging doctor?”

“Smartass! I can never keep track of how far science has gotten at any point. Y’all know about the brain?”

I looked over my glasses at him. “Yes. These days we mostly use it to deny science – or so the popular opinion seems to be. So women are equal? Totally equal in every way?”

“Well, with a different design, there are sometimes some unintended weaknesses. For example, they sometimes have trouble loosening the lids on jars. Nothing else comes to mind, though.”

I wasn’t sure if that was a joke. “Okay. If they’re equal, why did you give them such a shitty deal physically?”

The Big Kahuna put on a puzzled face, not unlike Dr. Schadenfreude. “What do you mean?”

“PMS, menstruation, menopause, a body that fights very hard against looking the way society expects it to? Women got the shitty end of the stick, dude.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t even know what all those things mean.”

I explained menstruation.

God was horrified. “That happens EVERY FOUR WEEKS! Holy shit! Why don’t they all hate me? I had no idea!”

“Seriously? You didn’t know at all?”

“How would I know that? Someone has to tell me these things!”

I saw a chance to become a hero. “Can you do something about it? Maybe make things a little easier for them?”

He threw his hands up in the air. “I wish I could, but that’s billions of years of evolution to get to this point. It would take at least that long again to make any significant changes. I’ll talk to the boys at the lab and see if they can come up with something.”