80. Creationism

“Wait a minute now! I think that’s the first time you’ve ever mentioned evolution. Everything to this point has sounded VERY creationist in nature. So which is it?”

The Almighty looked confused. “I didn’t realize it had to be one or the other. However, I would just like to start out by saying that Creationists are a bunch of asshats who have made a conscious decision to ignore all the reasonable evidence that’s in front of their stupid faces.”

“Ahh, and another promising rant begins.”

He gave me a look (you know the kind), and continued. “Seriously, who’n fuck thinks the world is 4000 years old. Who really believes that shit?”

“Well, Ken Ham, the president of Answers in Genesis, does.”

“That’s the idiot who debated Bill Nye, the Science Guy, right?”


“Have I already used the term ‘asshat’?”



“There we go.”

The Lord of All scratched his chin. “Now where did I leave off?”

I looked at my notes. “Asshats, stupid faces.”

He pointed at me. “Right. These idiots REALLY think they can use the bible as a frigging historic text? To count backwards to creation? To get ANY reliable information? Is Ken Ham totally willing to ignore ALL the facts and evidence in favour of a book of mythology?”

“Um … Yes, yes, yes, and fuck yes, from what I’ve read.”

The Supreme Being looked at me from the corner of his eye. “Rhetorical questions, but thank you. Okay, so some of the bible mythology may have gotten it right, but their time measurement was shit back then. I mean, the Early Roman Calendar didn’t even designate anything for the days of the winter months: Everything was just lumped together as a time in which you couldn’t farm. Is this really the sign of an accurate timekeeping system?”

“Seriously? I had no idea.”

“Hellz yeah! And typical humans, they assume that the world began upon their arrival. Do they think the Earth was made in a god damn day? These things take time! Millions of years! I’m brilliant – hell, I’m a motherfucking god – but I can’t work THAT quickly.”

Jehovah was gesticulating wildly at this point. I wasn’t sure he should be getting so riled at his age. “So there was an Earth before we landed here? Why am I just hearing about this now?”

He stopped for a minute, forcing himself to calm down. “Was it here? Yes. Does it have interesting stories? Not really. I made the primordial ooze start oozing about, creating various life forms along the way. I kept working with them, evolving them, until they were in forms I was happy with. Adam and Eve were the first humans who could actually string a few words together. That’s when the story starts getting interesting.”

“So we’re just glossing over a few hundred million years?”

“Consider them glossed.”