86. A little advice

Jeff had just come back from the kitchen after getting more wine from the tap. He filled my glass. His words were slurring a little at this point. “So I’ve gotta ask you about something.”

“Ask it, sister.”

A little too familiar for The Creator, maybe?

He leaned in close, and lowered his voice. “How do you know when a female of the opposite sex is interested in you?”

Now how ridiculous is it that he’s asking ME this question. I’m notorious for missing ALL the signals. I started shaking my head. “Oh, dude. If you’re me, you just assume that the WOMAN in question couldn’t possibly be interested, and then wish that she were. That’s my strategy.”

Jeff looked confused. “That doesn’t sound like a strategy.”

I sighed. “Please pass the bottle.”

Despite the fact that I appeared to be no help, Jeff continued. “She’s so cool. She has blue hair, and she works at the library. You know what they say about librarians, right?”

I decided to tread carefully. “That they are very smart from reading so much?”

“EXACTLY! How could she not be wonderful! I was signing out a copy of ‘Monsignor Quixote’ the other day and she said, ‘Ah, Graham Greene with an E’. It’s like she was taking an interest in what I was doing. Do you think she’s interested?”

“Well, Jeff, there is really only one way to tell – well, I suppose there are two ways for you.”

He leaned forward in his seat. “Please. Please tell me the secret!”

I held up my index finger. “Okay. Option #1 for the Nifty Ruler of the Universe: Can’t you just read her mind?”

Jeff gasped. “Oh, Paul! I could never do that! ‘Twould be immoral.”

I lifted a second finger. “Well then you’re left with Option B. This is the only way you can ever really know for sure.”

“I’m all ears!”

“Ask her.”

He was even more horrified with this option. “Just ask her? Just walk up to her and ask? That’s stupid! I can’t do that. I’d look like a buffoon!”

I passed him the bottle of wine. “Here. Your drink is empty. And what did you think I was going to say? Hold your tongue in the left side of your mouth, raise your right eyebrow, and mutter this incantation? There is no secret trick.”

“But if I ask her, then she’ll know I like her. That’s embarrassing!”

“Welcome to my world.”