90. In case you were wondering

“Hey, Jeff. Something has been bothering me for a while.”

The Almighty leaned his head back in his hands and looked at the ceiling. “Throw it at me, brother.”

“Okay. Adam and Eve were the first people, right?”


“And they had two sons, right?”

“Two for two, baby. You HAVE been paying attention.”

For the Creator of the Universe, he could be a little condescending sometimes. “So how did those two sons create more people?”

He sat up straight. “Good question. A lot of people seem to wonder about this one.” He leaned in closer, cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted. “I CREATED MORE PEOPLE, YOU IMBECILE!!”

Arsehole. My hangover wasn’t entirely gone yet, and his voice bounced around the corners of my brain. “Dude, a little harsh, don’t you think?”

“Sorry, man, I’ve just always wanted to answer that way. Most people expect a little more decorum from their god, but I know I can relax with you.”

“No worries … arsehole. Why have I never heard of these other families before?”

He clicked his tongue. “Those idiots who wrote the bible were a little selective in what they included. There were the Joneses, the Smiths, the Harveys, and then Lilith. Lilith said that she didn’t want a husband, so she lived alone. She seemed to be the happiest one of the bunch.”

“Lilith? We’ll get back to her. So some of these other families had daughters to marry Cain and Abel?”

God pointed at me. “And that, my friend, is how it works. Cain married Brooklyn Jones. Abe had a fixation on Lilith for quite a while, but she shot him down, repeatedly. He finally found someone his own age: Millicent Smith.”

“Wait a goddamn minute. Even back then, people were giving their kids stupid names like Brooklyn?”

“Well back then it wasn’t stupid. Where do you think the city got its name?”

“Hmm. Okay. So then everybody got busy begetting?”

The Lord turned his palms to the sky. “Go thee forth and multiply. A few generations later, people didn’t have to marry first cousins anymore – although some still did of course. Hard to entirely stamp that shit out.”