“Okay, now. Lilith, the single neighbour: Is this the same Lilith who is described in the Dead Sea Scrolls – and other such enlightened texts – as a demon and a howler?”
Jehovah shrugged. “Sister, I don’t know what all these old bastards had against women. They’re either described in hateful terms or as non-entities. God forbid a woman should ever decide to be strong, independent, or (Gasp!) single! Sounds to me like the guys who wrote these scriptures just needed to get laid.”
I have to admit I have mixed feelings about that last statement. While I find it funny – and can’t wait to see Pastor Bob’s reaction – I realize that someday, some may see me as one of “the guys who wrote these scriptures”.
The Lord of All continued. “Lilith got a bad rap. She was a nice woman. Despite the fact that ALL the neighbourhood men wanted to use her to invent the concubine, she was above reproach. And she was brilliant! She invented a few simple tools – including the shovel, I think. Honestly, I wish SOMEBODY had written something nice about her.”
“Hang on. According to my research, Lilith may have been the first woman, even before Eve. Apparently, she refused to be subservient to Adam? And that’s why you made Eve from Adam’s rib?”
“Excrement. They all arrived the same way. Adam and Eve were on the scene first (admittedly, kind of an arranged marriage), but the rest of them weren’t far behind. And seriously, a rib? I know I’m sometimes a little sloppy in my work, but I’m a frigging god! It’s not like making yogurt, where you need to keep some of the last batch as a culture!”
Never knew that about yogurt. Guess I could have assumed the rib thing was horseshit though. “So she and Adam? Never an item?”
“God damn! He wished!”
“So the very flattering descriptions of her as ‘Night Hag’, ‘Night Monster’, ‘Screech Owl’?
Mr. Omniscience laughed. “Well, I find all of you equally beautiful and repugnant all at once (or so I like to lead you to believe, as any good parent would), so it’s hard for me to say. However, I’m pretty sure Adam never saw her in those terms until after she rebuffed him. Then he became a bit of a prick.”
“So what became of Lilith? I’m assuming she didn’t screw all the angels to give birth to all the demons?”
“What? Who’n hell says that?”
I had to confess. “Okay, I may have read that in a comic book, instead of in my ‘legitimate’ research. It all starts to melt together after a while.”
“Well Lilith lived to a ripe old age (for back then). Never married, never procreated. Since I had created everyone for the purpose of procreation, that pissed me off a little at the time, but you know …”
God pointed at me. “Lays my best plans to waste every fucking time.”