97. When it starts

“So since you have all this spare time from NOT cooking, cleaning, or mowing, I guess that gives you more time to consider the deeper issues?”

The Almighty tapped his forehead with his index finger. “Constantly thinking deeply. Deep thoughts about deep shit!”

“Imagine my relief. All right then, while you’re engaged in all this deep thought, have you ever considered when life starts? You know, for the purpose of abortion?”

God looked up to the heavens and spread his arms wide. “Fuck!”

“Um. Who are you looking at?”

He ignored that. “Let’s start with the easy stuff: Birth control is not murder! I’m pretty sure the Catholic Church started THAT horseshit because they saw an opportunity to get more kids, who may grow up to be more contributors to the collection plate. Those fuckers really know how to play the long game.”

“Shifty bastards.”

He shook his hand at me. “I know! I mean, who thinks of that shit? They don’t care what disease is being spread around, or how many teenaged girls try to do ‘home abortions’, they just stick to the corporate line that birth control is bad. That just pisses me off!”

“And back to the big question: When does life begin?”

The Supreme Being looked pained as he tried to find the words. “Shit, I don’t know. Somewhere between conception and childbirth! I mean, if you look at those early ultrasound pictures people wave around, where it looks like a piece of macaroni, seriously? People think that’s a person? I suppose it could be at some level, but I think we can be pretty open to considering the quality of life the potential baby and mother will be forced to live. More importantly, should a bunch of old white men in the government be answering these question for women?”

“So you’re not against abortion?”

“No, but there are no black or white answers. As with most things JUDGEMENT is required. You know, a process by which you weigh the pros and cons.”

I looked up from my notebook. “You know you’re often a source of disappointment to me, Jeff. I really was hoping for the definitive answer.”

“Dude, I know you were. Here’s a definitive answer for all those buffoons who think they have a right to bomb abortion clinics: I mostly don’t care if you’re pro-life or pro-choice, just don’t blow shit up!”