98. A little murdery

“Mind if I ask you a little more about Moses?”

The Creator spread his arms. “Of course not. I loved Mo. His lack of confidence was a little frustrating by times, but he was a good guy.”

“Well, I understand that you and Moses were trying to save the Hebrew people from slavery, and poor living conditions, and general evil – and I’m totally cool with that. I understand that you were looking to scare the Pharaoh with some plagues – also totally cool.”

He seemed to be uncomfortable with where this was going. “Ye-es. And every parlour trick I had Mo do for him failed to impress. He had these kickass magicians who could reproduce every one of the tricks. So you can understand that I had to up the ante a little. Turning all the water to blood, plagues of locusts, frogs, lice, flies, darkness. Nothing would sway him.”

I put on my most reassuring voice. “And I get that. I swear I do. But, dude, killing the first-born son from every family? That doesn’t seem a little … murdery … to you?”

“Well sure, of course it does, but dude just wasn’t listening. He really left me with no alternative. What else could I do?”

“Um … mind if I suggest a couple options?”

Yahweh leaned toward me. “Please. I’d love to hear it.”

“Okay, now. What with you being all-powerful and shit, couldn’t you have just – I don’t know – picked up all the Hebrew families and their things, and taken them somewhere else?”

The Almighty gave me a blank stare. “Oh. I suppose that would have been an option.”

“Or instead of sending the Angel of Death to kill all those innocent children, maybe just kill the Pharaoh instead? I mean, he was the main arsehole who didn’t care about these plagues infecting his people: Kill him, and the guy who takes over his job is bound to be a little more reasonable. Wouldn’t you think?”

An even blanker stare. “Fuck. Why didn’t I think of that? I should really put you on my staff, you know. You’re much more practical than the boobs who were advising me at the time.”

I put both hands up in the air. “No thanks! I don’t need that kind of stain on my resume.”

“Hmm. That’s a shame.”