100. Healing

“Hey Jeff. Have you ever watched any faith-healers?”

He sat back and looked wistful. “Ah, faith-healers. Now those dudes knew how to put on a show. It’s a shame there aren’t more of them around anymore.”

“Dude, seriously? They were the real deal?”

The Lord waved his hand at me. “Oh no! Total horseshit. But they were charismatic motherfuckers. Who wouldn’t enjoy the show?”

“Um. Maybe the person who believed they would be healed, and then was surprised when it didn’t work out?”

“Ah-ha. Okay now, I can see how that might not be so cool.”

“And what do you think of these religions that deny themselves medical treatment? Like how the Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t accept a transfusion – even if they desperately need it!”

He slapped his forehead. “Unbelievable. They read one of the crazy verses in Leviticus – and let’s face it, they’re ALL crazy in that book – and they decide that they shouldn’t accept the help they may need in a medical emergency.”

I opened my Elvis bible to a page I had folded down. “‘I will even set my face against that soul that eateth blood.’ That’s hardly specific. Were there even such things as transfusions back when you spoke these holy words?”

He held up a hand. “Whoa. Stop right there, dude! Those ain’t MY holy words.”

“And really, it sounds to me more like a condemnation of vampires and zombies. Not sure I would ever equate a transfusion with ‘eating’ blood.”

His face clouded. “Fuck me, I hate vampires. If I HAD spoken these holy words, vampires would totally have been the intended target. Zombies are cool though.”

I set down my glittery bible. “Wait a minute. Just hold the fucking phone. Are you telling me that vampires and zombies are real things? Why hasn’t someone documented this?”

“What are you? A fucking child? Of course they’re not real! I’m talking about movies. ’30 Days of Night’ was the scariest movie EVER. Zombie movies are cool-ass though. Did you see the 1990 remake of ‘Night of the Living Dead’? WAY cooler than the original!”

“Two things: Number one, until recently, I didn’t know there were such things as gods and angels, so I think I can be forgiven for allowing that there may be other beings I’ve never known about. And B, if you like that movie, then you really need to watch the 2004 remake of ‘Dawn of the Dead’. Fantastic shit!”

The Lord pulled out his notebook and scratched down a note. “I’ve gotta write that down, otherwise this conversation never took place, with my fucking memory.”

“So back to the main topic, you don’t recommend people forego medical treatment in favour of prayer? They shouldn’t just ‘leave it to God’s will’?”

He looked disgusted. “She-itt! My will was to encourage all these medical breakthroughs that can improve your lives. It’s not the frigging dark ages anymore!”