Patty’s was crowded, so we tried a new place. Despite his mood, Jeff ordered with his usual gusto. “We’d like a bottle of goat piss, please.”
The waitress turned to me. “What does he mean?”
I smiled. “Your cheapest red wine – and menus, please.”
After a couple glasses, Jeff perked up. “Should we trust their burgers?”
“Dude, I trust everyone’s burgers. Burgers make Baby Jesus happy.”
He laughed. “I suppose we could do worse than bringing that little bastard some joy.”
Our waitress returned to take our order. I ordered first. “I’d like a burger with nothing on it please.”
She nodded. “Nothing at all?”
“Just meat and a bun, with fries, please.”
Jeff’s turn. “I want everything on my burger, please. Like everything. Like a trip around the kitchen.”
She looked at me for approval. “Really?”
We had time for a couple more glasses of goat piss before the burgers arrived. I doused everything in ketchup, of course. Jeff lifted the bun on his burger, and started picking things off.
“Dude, why did you order it with everything, if you were just going to pick it all off?”
He looked disappointed. “These ingredients are all so ordinary. I was hoping for some magic beans or something, and … OH MY GOD!”
“What? What’s wrong?”
“RELISH! They put relish on my burger! Who’n fuck likes relish?”
“Well there are companies that make and sell the stuff, so there must be a certain percentage of the population.”
Jeff had the meat patty in his hand, and was scraping the relish off with a knife. “Well that percentage of the population is wrong! Foul shit! And it’s almost impossible to get it all off. I’ll be needing extra ketchup to bury the taste.”
Our waitress came by, and looked at all the ingredients scraped off Jeff’s burger. “Everything okay here?”
Jeff responded. “Delicious, thanks. Can we get more ketchup please? I seem to have emptied this bottle.” Then after she left. “Relish! There ought to be a fucking law!”
I had to ask. “So when you say ‘Oh my God’ who are you talking about?”
He stopped spanking the ketchup bottle. “What? Oh, I don’t really know. I guess I’ve always just hoped there would be someone else who is REALLY running things. Someone who would have the sense to eradicate relish. A Supremer Being.”
Un-fucking-believable. Even The Almighty wants to believe in a higher power. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only atheist. I finally couldn’t stand it any longer, and showed God the most efficient way to get ketchup out of a bottle.
He thanked me, and then tore into his burger.