109. The End

Jeff looked like something was on his mind. “Paul, there’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come out with it: I think it’s time for our interviews to end.”

I was shocked. “Seriously? But there are so many other things we need to discuss!”

“Like what?”

I held up my index finger. “First, did Joshua really bring down the walls of Jericho by having all his horn-blowers play a note?”

“It was more of a metaphor. His band was the best around. Kind of like how you may say that a band really blew the roof off of where they played; no roofs were actually harmed.”

I held up two fingers. “B: How do you feel about capital punishment?

“Not a fan of the killing.”

I held up a third finger. “Third, do suicide bombers really get 72 virgins when they die? Because honestly, that sounds like a shitty deal. So you get to sleep with a virgin a night for seventy-two nights. Then what happens? No more virgins for the rest of eternity?”

“Seriously, you expect me to keep churning out virgins for the rest of eternity? And I believe I’ve mentioned that I’m not a fan of the killing.”

I held up one more finger. “And D: Is there life on other planets?”

He looked at me with disdain. “Of course there is! Look at how many other planets there are. Just from a statistical point of view, it’s practically impossible that there wouldn’t be. Y’all think you’re SO special that you are the only intelligent life on all these billions of planets? Anything else?”

“Hmm. I can’t really think of anything. Why are you ending the interviews now?”

The Almighty thought about this. “I think we’ve put a lot of the ridiculous beliefs about me to bed. We’ve given all those Cwazy Cwistians lots to think about. We may even have made the world a better place (it COULD happen!). But I still like to leave a LITTLE mystery. Also, I really need to start acting like I’m in charge again; some of my managers have been slacking. You don’t even want to know what’s been happening in the Department of Climate Change and Genital Warts!”

“You’ve got that right. Really don’t want to know. So that’s it then? Any closing remarks?”

He paused. “Just one: For fuck’s sake, could you just try being nice to each other? Is that so hard?”

“Dude, it may be, but I appreciate the thought.”

The Lord begat a bottle of his home brew goat piss, and two glasses. “So we should have a last glass together.”

“If I’d known it was our last day together, I probably wouldn’t have kicked a door into your face, you know.”

He waved a hand at me. “Pah! No worries! I’m fine. How are you going to be?”

I mocked his wave. “Pah! No worries! I’m working on it.”

He looked at me sternly. “You’ll keep going to Dr. Schadenfreude?”

“But of course. It takes more than a year of hanging with a supreme being to clear up all my fuckeduppedness.”

He corrected me. “THE Supreme Being.”

“You know, more people might like you if you weren’t so full of yourself.”

The Supreme Being smiled. “Arsehole. Let’s kill this bottle.”

And so endeth the reading.